Since the smoking ban, life’s been good, for me at least. I understand it’s not been as much fun for smokers.

All day benders in particular are a joy. Now I can fall through my bed at four in the morning, my clothes smoke-free and reaking of nothing other than BO, Captain Stella, first mate Jim Beam, slimy ribbons of lard-curdled kebab and lashings and lashings of garlic sauce.

Yeah, going to the pub is officially great again. In fact, short of somebody wiring my jaw open and projectile vomiting across the table into my face, I can’t think of one single social habit that could possibly spoil my evenings anymore.

Except. That’s right. Facebook.

You’re having a few jars and telling another great rock and roll story that will elevate you to King of the pub for a few precious moments, and nobody is giving a damn because they’re updating their status on Mobile Facebook.

“Steve is at the pub.”

“Alex is thinking about things.”

“Mark is wondering if he has clean socks for tomorrow.”

“Paul is drinking beer.”

Oh fuck, I’m doing it now. And not just a little, either. All. The. Bastard. Time.

Quarter to two in the morning, a quick check to see who went to bed last and whether anybody wants to be my friend. In the car. The bath. On the toilet. Quite a lot of my time on the toilet is spent checking Facebook. No need to subscribe to Total Film now.

And why?

The status updates we share with one another. They’re all bobbins. Small talk has been reduced even further in size. Now we have quantum chat; conversation so trivial it can only exist at an atomic level, through electrons and photons; the internet.

I hate what I’ve become, and nobody cares. Stick a needle full of drugs into your eyeball with your class watching and suddenly you need help. But spend a third of your life on the bog telling friends there’s a chickon casserole in the oven, and they turn a blind eye.

There’s a social cancer out there, and it’s spreading. Like cancer.

But I’ve got a plan.

We bring back smoking in public places immediately. And we make it compulsory in pubs. Everyone will have something to keep their hands busy – so no more Mobile Facebook – and the world will be a whole lot friendlier again.

Even if it does smell like an arse.